I'm a fool

So we were supposed to talk tonight and its not happening. She is avoiding me. At least that's what it seems like. She said its not like its the end of the world. Well for me it is. When I know there's something wrong and it's about me I have to know what it is. She is making excuses to not talk to me. What have I done? What did it do wrong? Can it be fixed? I'm a damn fool for moving in....expesialy so soon after meeting her. I'm lost as what to do. I'm stuck at her house now and can't do shit about it until the lease is over....at the earliest.

What am I doing?

I have met a girl about two months ago. Before we met she told me that she has stage four thyroid cancer. She asked if I still wanted to meet her. I said yes. I haven't stopped thinking about her since. I would bring my daughter down for the weekend and her three kids and mine would have fun all weekend. Me and her would have are fun😜 things were great!!! After about a month or so she told me that she may have to move unless she got a roommate. I was looking to move down to be able to see her more and see where things go. She asked if I would move in whith her. I said the only reason I was moveing down there was to be able to see her more.she stated that she wasn't looking for a relationship just yet but here I was and has repeatedly pointed out that I'm here and that I scare her cus I'm so good to her. There's other points to how she hints at how she feels about me. Like this.....her moms told her that I'm like her sisters man...he's very good to her sister....treats her great from what she told me and that her mom says I'm like that guy for her. So all of a sudden things went south. She sat me down and said that she can only be friends with benifits but exclusive to one another because she has too much going on. She also said that she is in a funk. A down time. Not to mention that she hasn't finished the devorce papers yet. I can understand that. I believe that she started acting this way because I happened to tell her I loved her. I do t know what I was thinking. It just slipped out. I over stepped some bounderys about her kids. That added to how things are now. Also I injured myself and was out from work for almost two weeks. I had pills and I drank a lot. I turned into someone I'm not proud of. My temper was short and I just fall owed her around like a little puppy. Makes me sick that I acted that way. So last night I asked if she had plans for today cuz I wanted to take everyone bowling. She said yes going to her friends for a kids sleep over. She has never giving me a reason to not trust her. There are things that bug me and I know there's things that I do that bug her. I know that adds to why she is acting like there's nothing between us. Before I moved in she acted like we were a couple cus that's what she said we were. Because when I told her that I talked to a girl she emeditly said it hurt more than she thought and that I would b moveing in ad her man. She now has changed that. So tonight when she left to go to her friends she said good bye to my kid and after a few seconds maybe a min she called up to me and said goodbye. I replaide goodbye. Hoping it wasn't in an angry voice. I'm not mad at her but I am confused as what she needs and wants from me. I don't get much from her....far as emotions or talking any more. So in slowly pulling away. I have to get my emotions back where they should be cuz I care about her way too much. I really don't know what I should do. I can't help but want to do things for her and try to make her life just alittle easier. I have always been this person. Now far as sleeping with someone else......I won't. I'm not like that and if if it ever happened I would tell her. But for it to happen I would have to be smashed drunk and being that smashed I wouldn't be able to get it up anyways. Lol

Whyu am I attracted to the wrong poeple for me? I have been seeing this girl that is awesome but she is so bad for me. She uses drugs daily. I dont use drugs but realy and its a rare acation wen that happens. I dont get it. I am completly in love with this girl and I know I shouldnt be. I am so lost as waht I should do. I told her brother about what shes useing and all that. and said that i love her and want a future with her but long as shes useing i cant be with her. Shes a differnet person when shes high. atleast thats what i belive.

Girlfriend.........maybe

So first off I havent been on here in a realy long time. I resontly met a girl that i kinda work with. I say kinda because I deliver beer and she works at one of my stops. I asked her out one day and she said yes. This was on a thursday. We made plans to hang out on saturday. She text me on friday to see if I wanted to go to a bbq at her place. I went and thats where things began. I made a move and things went from there. We have spent every day together exept maybe three days. Its been um think we are starting our 6th week. The sex is amazing. Out of this world kind of sex. Best Ive ever had and she says the same thing. She has said from the begining that she doesnt like doing the relastionship thing. Shes not good at it. I think I pushed a relationship status on us. So now theres a little resentment on her part....maybe. Idk. she is so hard to read. She said the other day that she would need an open relationship. In the past I have always wanted that. But for me its after ayear or two of being with the person before I thought that. Now that I found someone that is into that. My minds fucking with me. It says yes we found the one thats on the same page as you. But every time I think of her with someone else my stumic gets in knotts. I am always thinking of her and cant wait to see her again. Even if its just for a moment. The smile she gives me and the looks...melt me away. So we had a threesome the other day. It was me and her and a guy. It was alot of fun. But my heart or mind is messing with me. Its saying it shouldnt be this way...why are u ok with it like this? I cant decide if i Love her or im in lust with her. I think I need some time apart from her. The problem is that the sex...I love it and cant seem to get enought of it. All in all im so fucked. She also said that she doesnt want to hurt me so we should end things. Shes said this almost from day one. I talked her into staying with me and we are going from there. I just dont know what to do. I want what she wants but I dont at the same time. Is it because this is still all new to both us and I dont want to share her yet...or ever. Idk. I truely wish i knew. Things would be so much easier. Well theres my rant for the year.

Life is like a box of LOL ya

So many things have happened since i last did a blog. I have a second job now. I hate it but the extra money is good....if i work that is. I have paid my truck down by $9000. Thanks to my Grams. I could have used the money for other things but i thought long run it would be better to pay most of my debt off. Things with the ex are about normal. She got a job. A fucking job. After not working for 6 years she got one. The funny part is and I don't think she knows this but my child support will go down because shes working. I don't really care. I just want to see my daughter more and have things smooth. But they never will be smooth.

I'm doing OK in the lady part of my life. I'm getting laid but I don't just want that. I mean I will take it because who doesn't like getting laid? But its getting old. The girls that I'm interested in don't want anything to do with me. and the girls I'm not interested in want my nuts. Its a very strange place for me. Then theres an ex girlfriend that I'm not sure how I feel about any more. I have tried to be her friend and we have gone to the movies and I asked her to go to Pho with me and she said yes sounds good. I said let me know when and we will go. There hasn't been a word about it. I have been the one to start all conversations but one. She ask me one day how i was. So just that once she started the convo. theres so much neat stuff going on with her Soap business that i want to know more about but i feel like she avoiding me for a reason. All i can do now is wait and she if she wants to be friends. The ball has been left in her court.

So i met a new chick about three weeks ago. shes OK i guess. went to dinner the first time then she came over to my house for diner and a drink. I know there will be a third date and i have an idea of what we sould do. The problem is that she told me that she applied to a job in Chicago. So i don't want to start liking this girl too much and then she takes off or worse she stays with me and 4 months down the road we don't work out and she lost the opportunity with that job.

All in all things are going well and the future is looking bright. Just takeing one day at a time.

THings

So my life has been crazy lately. Haven't had time to do this in some time. So much to say and so much I shouldn't. Well I have been hurting for money for months now. I just found a part time job that will help out allot. I now have a normal schedule of when I can see my daughter. My ex said change these few things and I'm good with that. Ok so I change the few things and now she says it isn't fair. And that shes getting a lawyer. Ok whatever. She will find out the hard way that its already done and shes going to spend a ton of money for nothing. I haven't dated in over 6 months....let alone gotten laid. There are a few that I can any time I want but every time I have the need to fuck I don't want to. Its very strange to me. Its as if I'm waiting for something, or someone. I don't understand it at all. I want to but I don't want to put any effort into it. LOL. Anywhoo so over all things are good. I believe that Grace and I aren't friends but i still have a key to her house. Not just that but she locked herself out and had to see me and get the key i had then she gave it back to me. I thought for sure that i wasn't going to see the key again. Granted i still go over and take her dog out to the park but not as much as i should. But my friend says its not my responsibility to get the dog out. So I take him at least every other week. I want to take him more but don't at the same time. I love that dog and going to her house to pick the dog up sters things up inside of me still. I hate to say it but i still love grace. Haven't seen much of her or talked with her. strange.

So close to the end...

There are things happening to me that i cant handle any more. I have no more to hold on to. im so close to ending it all by killing myself. i work my ass off and think im going in the right direction but i end up getting forther and forether behind. there is no out for me. the hole only gets bigger and deeper. there is too much on my shoulders. i cant handle it anymore..........