So close to the end...

There are things happening to me that i cant handle any more. I have no more to hold on to. im so close to ending it all by killing myself. i work my ass off and think im going in the right direction but i end up getting forther and forether behind. there is no out for me. the hole only gets bigger and deeper. there is too much on my shoulders. i cant handle it anymore..........

Lost

So i have been trying to take care of things. All the things that have been over my head for the last year or so. All my baggage you may say. one of them is the IRS. i have been trying to set up a payment plan for almost a year now. I make just under 2000 a month right now. my bills are almost as high as my income. infact if i dont make as much i cut money from food so i can pay my bills. I just got a letter in the mail from the IRS and they made a payment plan for me. the only thing is that its way way way more than i can possable afford. i have no idea on what to do. i have called and left the guy i was talking to about the payment plan. left him a msg. i need to talk to him. get this changed. because omnce they garnish my wages i only have a few options.....keep working and live out of my truck/on the streets....or quit my job and move in with mom and dad(they wouldnt let me in)...or kill myself. its amazing to me how every day gets worse and worse for me. no matter what i do it never gets better. every day i keep telling myself and convinseing myself not to kill myself but every day gets harder and harder not to. I am lost.

hrm

So i was haveing a good day but all of a sudden it went to shit. started thinging about my life. never a good thing. after all my relationships i have come to this conclotuion. im ment to be alone. i so want to be with someone so much that it messes all my relationships up. and any chances i have with new girls. not to mention all my baggage.i put everything into my relationships. be extreamly tentative to them and that pushes them away. i dont do the push pull thing as my friend has told me before. its not in my nature. the girls that i want to be with need the push pull but the girls that are atracted to me but i m not realy into(bigger girls) dont mind it. i think i have to focus on me for a few years. get my baggage down to a more aceptable level. besides all my major mistacks have been because of girls. women fuck up my disitions. i would be so much further along if i didnt let women alter my disitions.

so work is going ok. hours are short as hell. i know long term its a good job. but the short term it sucks. i need about $400 a month more to be a safe level of liveing. i dont know what to do. i have been looking for a part time job but nothing works well with the time i have avalable. im kinda stuck. there are jobs that are full time that pay more but i dont think i can switch now. i hate changeing jobs to begin with. and the way things are now....i dont want to take the chance

waht do i do

So im trying to be friends with grace. i have put in the effert and havent resived much of anything in return. i havent contacted her in a long time. I feel that if she wants to be friends she will contact me. is it the write thing to do? im not sure i think i still should put alittle effart into it. so on friday i had a horable day. i woke up and thought i should check my account to see how much money i had left. well i looked and i had bounced my rent check. FUCK!!!!! so that put me in a bad mood and i slamed my laptop screen closed. then proseced to get ready for work. got to work and my day was still not going well. at every stop i got held up on getting checked in. so that put me behind. the day was getting later and later my mood not getting better at all. so the other driver got his route ndone and came to help me. thank god he did. i would have been an hour late or longer on clocking out and my boss would have been down my throught. still fuck about money. i have $20 till thursday. and only have 1/4 of a tank of gas in my truck. i still owe rent and my other bills are comeing up. well im starting to get frustrated and better go. more another time.

Time and such

So i have been wanting to write this for a time now. A few weeks ago i had a bad week. One day was horable. I had three accounts mess with me. One said thaey wanted 100 cases of beer over here and then changed there mind after i put it there. So i moved it to where they wanted it. Agter putting the rest of the order away in the cooler they wanted the 100 cases somewhere else. so i moved it again. Then they wanted it in a display fastion. building displays is not part of my job. But i did it anyways.So that was at one account i deliver to. the next two where close to that too. Just a crapy day. that week i made a few mistakes too. Just a bad week. Ontop of all else i have going on it almost broke me. Im still plugging along. I dont know why but i am. Things with grace have come to a halt. I know she is with someone now and it hurts alittle. I have tried to be her friend and have gotten very little responce from her. So the new year has come now and im not going to contact her at all. If someone wants to be my friend they will contact me. I have always contacted the person to hang out or what have you. And im done being that person. I have started this before new years but this year its all about me. Im going to work on myself. Do all the things i want to do since once im in a relationship its always about them. well no more. I also plan to have one date amonth and no sex for the whole year. The hard part will be getting the one date amonth. The no sex part is easy. I have gone two years without it in a row so shouldnt be hard to do a year. lol. Im doing this becase sex seems to get in the way of my life. i focuse on that and not all the other things i should be doing. so im going to focuse on everything else. I wish grace the best and that she wont get hurt this time but i belive she will get hurt. I hope that she contacts me and will be my friend. I dont think she will contact me for atleast two months. Just the prospect of all the things i have planed folr myself this year is makeing me hapy. I have hard times ahead but i know i can come through it stronger. I know i wanted to put more things down but cant for the life of me remember what they are. so either i dont need to put them down or i worked through them already.

strange feelings and time

;So grace and i are kinda of trying to be friends. i trying and shes avoding me. lol. i know she is seeing someone and i think shes going to get hurt. i hope thats not the case but part of me hopes it happens. im an ass for thinking like that. im still hurting from the brake up. i cant seem to get her out of my mind. im watching her critters while she is out of town seeing her family.i have met up with several girls since grace and i broke up and they dont hold a candle to grace. im not in the lest interested in the other girls. after i watch the critters and say welcome home. im not going to talk to her until she contacts me. its the only thing i think i can do. its whats best for me. if she wants to be my friend then she will get a hold of me.had so much more to put but i have to tend to the fire. more later

What am i thinnking

So its been two or three months since grace and i broke up. Im still takeing her dog to the park and im going to watching her critters when shes out of town for xmas. i think i was to hasty to do it for her. i should have said no but its not in my nature to not do things for my friends. but realy we arnt friends. we havent seen each other in over a month. hardly talked. i know shes useing me for my generosity. the only thing i can hope for is that she comes around some day and wants to be friends. im trying to leave it up to her. i stoppede fallowing her on twitter and on facebook. im not sure if she knows yet but i belive its what i need to do. i have been looking on both sites to see what shes up to. and realy it isnt any of my bussiness. i just hope shes not doing anything that will hurt her later on. she had an accident the other day and she didnt tell me about it right away. does she have to tell me no. but i would tell her if something happend to me. but im the nice person and im not saying that she isnt. i still think she has to find herself....no...um...find the person that she wants to be. i think shes on her way there. she has cleaned her house alot. got the clutter out of it...mostly. lol. i truely just want her to be happy. i would be lieing if i didnt wish it would be with me but its not going to be. i just hope that i can be her friend.