What to put planed for week now

I have wanted to put this down for over a week. I have been kinda seeing six different girls at once. Some just pm e or twice but others a few times. I haven't been with any of then no matter what I may have said in the past blogs. I play off that I have with my room mate so he may tell his girl and she would tell grace. Stupid idea yes but fuck it I'm being a child right now. :0P LOL I can't seem to get grace out of my head. Every girl I have met I have known from the very first moment that it wasn't going anywhere but I still gave them hope that things may happen. Idk what I was thinking. I have tried to be the asshole and use instead of being used but it's not in me. I'm too nice. It's my nature to be nice. And I always get walked on. So I messed things up with two of them on perpose. It was hard to do but I managed. I most likely won't see either one again. Whatever I don't care. One was a drug adict and the other was an achohalic. Just nasty low poeple. I couldn't hang with them for long anyways. I realy don't think I deserve to be with anyone. I'm a loser. I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm broke. Have a kid. Have a bitch as an exwife that strives to make my life a liveing hell. Just so she feels better. Or she's just evil. The only thing I have is that I treat women right and don't cheat. Not much there. Besides women want a bad guy. They think they can fix him. They say they want a man like me but they realy don't. Idk. I'm done for now. Have to get up for work soon.

Ahem why?

Why is it that I cant stop thinking of Grace? Im going nuts i think i have it controled but the next moment im all about her. Fuck this sucks.She tweeted that she was out last night and i know she doesnt like to go to the places she said she was at so i know shes with someone and it hurts. I have always done and acted the right way and after the brakeup i had this thought that i should do what ever i want. so i have been on a downward spiral since. i was drinking and driveing. i wasnt that bad but i could lose my job. i was doing things around my kid that arnt good. i was on my way to the bottem fast. now im kinda seeing 6 girls at once. its true the nice guy finishs last so i thought i whould be the asshole for a time and see how it works. i know i can have sex with atleast 4 of them. i dont know what the hell im doing . i know that i dont want to be with any of them and that im useing them. i have been used everytime and now im doing the useing.

Another day

So my last blog was bad. Im still here. Im watching Graces dog tonight and tomorrow night. I watched her dog over this last weekend as well. Im helping her out by doing this and getting nothing in return. I can tell it eats at her that she feels that shes useing me. She is but im lettin her. So whos falt is it realy.....MINE!!! Im an idiot for being her for her right now. I should be keeping my distance. My friend/ roommate says I should not even talk to her and then after a year or two we can hang out together. Im sorry i cant not have her in my life for that long. She means so much to me. As a friend and as a person. She has helped me realize so many things. to name a few. Im standing up to my ex wife and telling her what i can and cant do. Whats fair and what isnt. She has shown me so many new things to do ...crafty things. She has shown me that if i dont make things happen on my own that i will miss out on things and to get out and do things by myself. She has helped me grow as a person.

She thinks she can hide feelings well but i can see the pain and the regret and ......i can see shame in her eyes sometimes. I may not know what is behide these things i see or get the vibe from her but i know she is confused and by me not able to stay away its prolonging her desicion on what she wants. i know she has slept with someone else and i dont blam her but its the fact that she says that she hasnt. its not the first lie i know she has told me. just little things here and there that i have picked up on. she can hardly look me in the eyes anymore. well i had more to say but should head off to bed. maybe tomorrow i will write more.

the end

had a nice but quick weekend with jenna. i went over to graces to watch a movie. it was nice. i tried to kiss her and it didnt work. i now know that there is no chance that we will get back together. im an emotional reck. im ready to end my life. i have tried for so meny ryears to make my life worth liveing but i dont have anything going in a possative maner. i cant take it anymore. my life is pointless. theres nothing for me.

thinking of love

So why is it I love Grace. i had diner with her the other night and it was great. i just helped her finish packing. she gave me a hug and was off. she packed everything in the back and nothing in the front seat. that to me means that she is takeing someone with her. she whould in the past put stuff in the front seat so there was more room for the dog. anyways. i had trhis thought on the way home. i love poeple too easly. is it cus i havent felt love back and put a ton of energy into somweone so they may feel love for me or have i ever felt love in any form. i hear it from my parents alot but i dont feel anything. when i was a kid i always held my feelings in and my thoughts on things cus i didnt want poeple to think i was stupid. and i think it has fucked me up in the head. im a quiet person keep to myself and shy. i only chime in when i know something as a fact. hardly ever as an opinion. i mean just look at my spelling its horible. my room mate has been working alot lately and the house is emty. i have no friends and noone to talk to. i dont do well by myself. i need to be around poeple. witch is weird cus i wont just go up to some one and start chating. its not me. i had sex last night with a girl that i hardly know. it was ok but the whole time i was thinking of grace. i wanted to kiss her so bad today. i miss her. i have been trying to find out if i miss her or the fact that i need to be around someone. its bounced back and forth for weeks now. i say it was just to be around someone that was always aon the go doing things and i would be ok for a day or two. then i would know in my heart that i miss her as a person and all the little looks and smiles she gave me. didnt happen often but when it did wow. i lit up inside. far as gettting laid again idk. i dont feel anything for this girl and i know im useing her and i feel guilty. every time things get sexual i start thinking about grace. its not fair for anyone involed. tonight is a very lonely night. grace is going out of town till sunday. and im getting my daughter tomorrow. im tempted to go to bed now at 3pm just so tomorrow will come sooner and i wont feel the way i do. i thought for a minute about wanting to die when grace dumped me. it quickly went awway. i have thought about it for years and it always goes away. i could never go through with it. but i always think about it cus i feel like im a great person and always doing the right thing but i always get shit on. nothing ever goes right for me. im always the loser. im tierd of it....sooo tierd of it. just once i would like things to work in my faver. i am thinking of sending in a postcard to post secret. i have a few that i should send in.

ummmm

So i know i cut things off with grace since i cant seem to just try to be friends. i want more and its confuseing me. i want to be around her but i know its mainly the fact that im bored and atleast around her i have things to do. i know she wont go back to me but i cant but help to hope. i have to think about it realy hard today. i say today because she plans on makeing soap tomorrow and i want to make it with her. i enjoy the prosece. its very cool to me. i dont know if we can be friends. meaning that i dont know what we would do. or if she would even have time for me as a friend or if she wants to be friends. idk at this point. i wil think about it hard today. i have to think about if im around as her friend that that would make it so that im around and that would mean she didnt miss me. and there whould be no chance of her wanting me. i have to choose and i think i have already made my decision but i want to make sure before its final. im meeting someone new today as friends. who knows what will happen. im always looking for new friends. and if i can find a few that i can start hanging out with i will be busy and wont think about grace.

Im stupid

My roommate was right. I shouldn't have talked to her. its makeing things hard for me again. Im starting to care too much about her i was almost to the point where i was cool with what ever. i think grace has done the right thing. if we were ment to be together she whould have realized it by now. i know she wont get back with me now. its hard to swallow. I know that she lied to me tonight...well she may have i dont know for sure yet. this is getting to be way too hard again. i need to move on and get rid of what little hope i have left gone. the only thing that i can speed up the time line is to get hooked up with someone else. i dont want to do that cus i know that we wouldnt work out cus i still have feelings for grace. idk what to do. all i can do and have thought about this all day is to cut grace out of my life for a time until i feel its safe to let her back into my life. theres nothing else i can do. i talked to her yesterday and thats how all this started. she called me and we chated for a minute. after we hung up all i wanted to do was go see her. i know thats not a good idea. i cant handle seeing her right now. from just talking to her i want things to work out. i said i will watch her dog when she goes out of town. as my roommate pointed out to me yesterday...im not letting her chase me. im giveing her everything she wants without the case and no good can come of it. i know hes right now. thats another reason i need to stop talking to her and not see her for a long time.