thinking of love

So why is it I love Grace. i had diner with her the other night and it was great. i just helped her finish packing. she gave me a hug and was off. she packed everything in the back and nothing in the front seat. that to me means that she is takeing someone with her. she whould in the past put stuff in the front seat so there was more room for the dog. anyways. i had trhis thought on the way home. i love poeple too easly. is it cus i havent felt love back and put a ton of energy into somweone so they may feel love for me or have i ever felt love in any form. i hear it from my parents alot but i dont feel anything. when i was a kid i always held my feelings in and my thoughts on things cus i didnt want poeple to think i was stupid. and i think it has fucked me up in the head. im a quiet person keep to myself and shy. i only chime in when i know something as a fact. hardly ever as an opinion. i mean just look at my spelling its horible. my room mate has been working alot lately and the house is emty. i have no friends and noone to talk to. i dont do well by myself. i need to be around poeple. witch is weird cus i wont just go up to some one and start chating. its not me. i had sex last night with a girl that i hardly know. it was ok but the whole time i was thinking of grace. i wanted to kiss her so bad today. i miss her. i have been trying to find out if i miss her or the fact that i need to be around someone. its bounced back and forth for weeks now. i say it was just to be around someone that was always aon the go doing things and i would be ok for a day or two. then i would know in my heart that i miss her as a person and all the little looks and smiles she gave me. didnt happen often but when it did wow. i lit up inside. far as gettting laid again idk. i dont feel anything for this girl and i know im useing her and i feel guilty. every time things get sexual i start thinking about grace. its not fair for anyone involed. tonight is a very lonely night. grace is going out of town till sunday. and im getting my daughter tomorrow. im tempted to go to bed now at 3pm just so tomorrow will come sooner and i wont feel the way i do. i thought for a minute about wanting to die when grace dumped me. it quickly went awway. i have thought about it for years and it always goes away. i could never go through with it. but i always think about it cus i feel like im a great person and always doing the right thing but i always get shit on. nothing ever goes right for me. im always the loser. im tierd of it....sooo tierd of it. just once i would like things to work in my faver. i am thinking of sending in a postcard to post secret. i have a few that i should send in.