thinking of love

So why is it I love Grace. i had diner with her the other night and it was great. i just helped her finish packing. she gave me a hug and was off. she packed everything in the back and nothing in the front seat. that to me means that she is takeing someone with her. she whould in the past put stuff in the front seat so there was more room for the dog. anyways. i had trhis thought on the way home. i love poeple too easly. is it cus i havent felt love back and put a ton of energy into somweone so they may feel love for me or have i ever felt love in any form. i hear it from my parents alot but i dont feel anything. when i was a kid i always held my feelings in and my thoughts on things cus i didnt want poeple to think i was stupid. and i think it has fucked me up in the head. im a quiet person keep to myself and shy. i only chime in when i know something as a fact. hardly ever as an opinion. i mean just look at my spelling its horible. my room mate has been working alot lately and the house is emty. i have no friends and noone to talk to. i dont do well by myself. i need to be around poeple. witch is weird cus i wont just go up to some one and start chating. its not me. i had sex last night with a girl that i hardly know. it was ok but the whole time i was thinking of grace. i wanted to kiss her so bad today. i miss her. i have been trying to find out if i miss her or the fact that i need to be around someone. its bounced back and forth for weeks now. i say it was just to be around someone that was always aon the go doing things and i would be ok for a day or two. then i would know in my heart that i miss her as a person and all the little looks and smiles she gave me. didnt happen often but when it did wow. i lit up inside. far as gettting laid again idk. i dont feel anything for this girl and i know im useing her and i feel guilty. every time things get sexual i start thinking about grace. its not fair for anyone involed. tonight is a very lonely night. grace is going out of town till sunday. and im getting my daughter tomorrow. im tempted to go to bed now at 3pm just so tomorrow will come sooner and i wont feel the way i do. i thought for a minute about wanting to die when grace dumped me. it quickly went awway. i have thought about it for years and it always goes away. i could never go through with it. but i always think about it cus i feel like im a great person and always doing the right thing but i always get shit on. nothing ever goes right for me. im always the loser. im tierd of it....sooo tierd of it. just once i would like things to work in my faver. i am thinking of sending in a postcard to post secret. i have a few that i should send in.

ummmm

So i know i cut things off with grace since i cant seem to just try to be friends. i want more and its confuseing me. i want to be around her but i know its mainly the fact that im bored and atleast around her i have things to do. i know she wont go back to me but i cant but help to hope. i have to think about it realy hard today. i say today because she plans on makeing soap tomorrow and i want to make it with her. i enjoy the prosece. its very cool to me. i dont know if we can be friends. meaning that i dont know what we would do. or if she would even have time for me as a friend or if she wants to be friends. idk at this point. i wil think about it hard today. i have to think about if im around as her friend that that would make it so that im around and that would mean she didnt miss me. and there whould be no chance of her wanting me. i have to choose and i think i have already made my decision but i want to make sure before its final. im meeting someone new today as friends. who knows what will happen. im always looking for new friends. and if i can find a few that i can start hanging out with i will be busy and wont think about grace.

Im stupid

My roommate was right. I shouldn't have talked to her. its makeing things hard for me again. Im starting to care too much about her i was almost to the point where i was cool with what ever. i think grace has done the right thing. if we were ment to be together she whould have realized it by now. i know she wont get back with me now. its hard to swallow. I know that she lied to me tonight...well she may have i dont know for sure yet. this is getting to be way too hard again. i need to move on and get rid of what little hope i have left gone. the only thing that i can speed up the time line is to get hooked up with someone else. i dont want to do that cus i know that we wouldnt work out cus i still have feelings for grace. idk what to do. all i can do and have thought about this all day is to cut grace out of my life for a time until i feel its safe to let her back into my life. theres nothing else i can do. i talked to her yesterday and thats how all this started. she called me and we chated for a minute. after we hung up all i wanted to do was go see her. i know thats not a good idea. i cant handle seeing her right now. from just talking to her i want things to work out. i said i will watch her dog when she goes out of town. as my roommate pointed out to me yesterday...im not letting her chase me. im giveing her everything she wants without the case and no good can come of it. i know hes right now. thats another reason i need to stop talking to her and not see her for a long time.

Hard day today and ahead

I beleave I have reached my limit. I can't take not talking to her any more. I have to do something about it. But I can't do anything about it. Lol. I'm tierd of useing a friend to pass a massege to her about a movie then my stuff that's still there. I give up. The stuff isn't that important. I just wanted to be around her/esence. To feel conected to her some how.She's an amazing person. She makes me smile all the time and she's not even trying to. It's killing me not being able to talk to her but I know it's the right thing. If I talk to her or she talks to me before she knows what she wants. She may choose the wrong path that would make her happy. I don't want to put her in that situation. I will be her friend if that's the only way I can have her in my life. A friend is better than not haveing her in my life. Her family for that matter too. I do belive that I can't see her for a time. How long u ask....idk a month two maybe longer. How ever long it takes for me to control my love for her to a friend level. It will take time. Some of my friends say I need to hit the bars and just get out there and get a girl and have a fun night and move on. I'm not like that. I haven't had sex in two or so weeks when ever grace and I did it last. And I most likely won't have sex again for a long time. Months if not a year or longer. I have to be in a relationship to have sex. Just who I am. Since I have had my heart stomped on twice in a row now I'm not sure I will ever look for someone to be with. I gave it my all and I got rejected. Now it could have been like my one friend said. I was cheated on the whole time but I don't think grace could have done that the whole time. She would have ended it much sooner then she did. Don't get me wrong I have my suspition about one guy and I would say they hooked up....deffenetly once most likely three times when grace and I were together. I think I know this would have been the outcome and that's why I didn't that our last kiss to the next step or it could have been the fact that if we did have sex we would have stayed together. And I know that wasn't the right thing to do. I'm too good for my own good. I think I'm done with dateing forever. Far as grace goes right Noe I have to stay away. I know if I showed up at her house we would have sex and likely get back together for a time then braeke up then back again then brake up. It would go on for a time until it got to weird or something. But it would end at some point. And only bring more pain in he long run. Would I be a booty call for her. Maybe. Depends how the friendship is. If we weren't realy friends then ya. Less of a chance of getting the feelings back but if we are good friends then no or maybe. Fuck it's just a bad idea all around. I would be wanting more and she wouldn't. It's done and I have to move on. Not like my friends say to but my way. I have to find something that's mine and mine alone to do. Shoot it's late I better go to bed.

Thinking

So I decided or came to the conclutuon that updateing my FB and twitter is a form of talking to grace. She wasnts no communication right now so that's what she gets. Idk if it's the right thing to do but I think it's what needs to b done. I don't know how long it will be before she knows what she wants and every day is a hard one with out her or talking to her or texting or anything. There are days that are harder then others. I get weird feelings. Some times I know she will talk to me soon and others where I know it's over and no chance for anything. Idk if we can b friends for a time. I was telling my roommate last night that it would be weird to see her right now. I wouldn't know what to do. Kiss her hug her or what. I think about her every day. What's she's up to. How she's doing. I feel ok some days and others like today where the pain is still showing on my skin. Can't hide much on days like this. Hopefully by the time my roommate gets home I can hide it abit. Well back to work.

Universe smacking

So I laid in bed last night thinking and then fell asleep. When I woke up today I felt diferent. As I'm driveing to work the idea that I'm a nice guy and hasn't worked for me yet and that I I was a n asshole I should get lots of action. :0) nice so I tweet that I'm done being nice and I'm going to be an asshole from now on. Not ten min later I was tring to be a dick tosome one and the universe smacked me hard!!! I felt ill I stently at the same time the thought she will never come back to you in that way again. So my day went on. An hour or so later I was being nice to someone that I should have punched. This happens. Feel even sicker and nose is running down the street at this point. The thought...she may still be with you in that way. Now witch is it? No or yes. But through the day clarity has come to me. We were ment to be together for that time. We helped each other in so many ways that may not have been done through just friendship. Now that it's over we still can be friends after time. When it's safe to be around eachother. Now I know she is seeing or just being with someone. I belive I know who it is. But realy it doesn't matter. Because I know she's trying to fill the hole I left. It may work for a time but won't work in the end. I have been looking at the picture of my life too close. I need to see the big picture. I know now that grace and I are done as a couple. And It may hurt to say but the facts are the facts. Idk how much of a roll I will be playing in her life or the other way around.

Its been one week today

A week ago today it happened. The brack up. I have done everything that i can to stay with her. It was for my own peace of mind that i tried at all. Its been a ruff week. Thursday was one of the hardest days. My daughter asked if we can go over to her house and i had to say no shes at work. then lets go when shes off work. Sorry sweety shes busy and doesnt have time for us today. as im driveing down the road crying. its giveing me tears now. so that night we whent to a kids play thing. it was alot of fun. my knees are still killing me from craling around so much. but it helped keep the brake up off my mind. then friday came. i had gotten some sleep the night before. first time that week. went to work had a mostly good day there. but i didnt cry or have time to think about grace. i had some understanding come to me. clarity.....almost. looking back i think i know we were doomed from the begining. i would always have this feeling that she didnt want to be with me. but then i said if she didnt want to be with me she wouldnt be. so i let it pass. then there where little things here and there that pointed it out as well but i ignored then. the last month i let her do most of the affection..start things as u will. because i had been getting tierd of doing all the work never knowing if she was in the mood or not. and i was getting tierd of it. bam thats when it hit me. once i realized i wasnt getting back what i gave and knew i wanted to get it back. my mind clicked. she was right. i do deserve some one that will want to be with me and give back as much as i give them. so my friday went pretty good. only one set back. my mom called me and the pain of getting dumped came up. yesterday was a hard day for me. i was thinking about her most of the day. i didnt realy have anything to do so that wasnt any help.today will be a hard one as well i think. i do have some things to do so we will see. i miss her. beeing around her, the things we did or the thought of her. just as she said it to me it didnt make sence but now it does. its not fair for both of us to not give 100% to each other or pretend things are fine when they arent. i know its for the best thst we dont see each other for a time. im allmost posative that she wont go back to me. the only times i thought we where right for each other was when we were out of town. and thats not enough. i realize now that i do want the affection from a girl. and that its important to me to resive it. idk i do love grace. i know im going to have ok days and bad days. i just want to stay away from the days where its so bad i cry. if i can stay away from those days in about a month i belive grace will text or call or something. we can hang out at that point. need to go and start my day. if i think about it much longer then i will cry.

clarity...maybe

so i got jenna after work and my ex said that she wanted to take jenna to high ballocity. i didnt feel like doing anything since i havent sleptmuch if at all in days. we had a blast. and right now we are eating chicken nugets. im eating its supriseing. i havent fewlt hungry in days. i started off with one then i made more....im up to haveing 5. lol i think i want more. by playing with jenna at ball ocity took my mind off of grace and i feel good at the moment. i did something on my own. sorta but its a step. i grabbed a flier on a bowling leauge. so i think i may join a bowling leauge. i liked it before now i im going to do it solo. meet new poeple.

Pain

I did a last ditch effert last night to see grace. It failed. I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm not functioning well today. My body is a mess. My mind is worse. Grace basicly told me last night to move on with my life. That we are done. She has to find the person she used to be. She had lost that person a long time ago and she needs to find herself again. Before she will see me/hang out be around me. I'm so lost as to what to do. Every moment of the day I'm thinking of her. I know I have to stop. She also said that once she knows what she wants she can see me. If that means to be with me or not. But as it stands now. Not looking good. I think she said I'm not the one but a min later said something that I maybe the one. I can tell she is confused and lost like me. The last month has been hard on me cus I tried to let her come to me to spend time and be affectionet. I had been feeling that I should feel or get some kind of affection back from her. There hasn't been much the whole relationship. Unless we were out of town. Things were great at those times. But once we got home she would change.

I'm feeling like crap right now. My body is hateing me. I can't eat. And a liquid diet isn't good. I'm crapping up have no strenth my heart is raseing a mile a minute and I'm tingeling all over. Plus I feel like I'm going to puke. So it's the end with grace. I'm not sure what to do now. I went from over the road to local job and I had someone to spend my time with. She doesn't think she gave back as much as I gave. Just spending time with her was giveing back. She's a very busy person. I don't know if that's to run from a problem or just who she is. Now I didn't go to a local job just for her. I know I may have said that in the past but I did it for me too. She has helped me in so meny was. It's going to be very hard to see her the next time. Whenever that maybe. Weeks months year. Idk. I am most likely still holding on to a glimmer of hope. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I know what ever she desides. With me or not. We will b friends. But the first time she has a new guy around I will have to mostlikely leave. I will cry.
Lost all train of thought. It's been like three days trying to post this. I don't know what else to put right now....

dumped

so i was dumped by grace yesterday. she said she messed up the whole relationship. basicly she never realy wanted to be with me. she would try to do girlfriendy things but it was too hard for her. i think i have always known in the back of my mind that we wouldnt work but i was hopeing. the last month i had tried to let her decid when we would hug kiss be together. i guess after three days of her not wanting to be around eachother she had enough. she said she didnt want me to go but knew it was for the best. idk. im lost.....

Weding and stuff

So the wedding was fun. It's was a nice visit with graces family. Got to see the new born. So cute. And got to see maddy the sweet little girl. So cute as well. The wedding had good food and danceing and poeple. When grace and I got back I spent almost everynight with her until Saturday morning. Sat morning I when to my daughters soccer game. In the middle of nowhere. 250 miles away. Back to that later. So the last few days grace has had alot of "me" time. Also at her work she is getting trained for a higher position. Witch is great. But between roller derby and her new hours of work. It seems like she's pushing me away. I have noticed that almost like clock work that she gets to the point of almost breaking up with me or something. Idk she gets......um closed off. I can tell she doesn't want me around but says she does I don't get it. I ask if .....I always ask/make plans together. Second day working on this blog...so stayed over at her house last night it was nice but something was missing. Idk maybe it's me. I don't feel like myself lately. Idk how to fix it but will work on it. More later maybe