What to put planed for week now

I have wanted to put this down for over a week. I have been kinda seeing six different girls at once. Some just pm e or twice but others a few times. I haven't been with any of then no matter what I may have said in the past blogs. I play off that I have with my room mate so he may tell his girl and she would tell grace. Stupid idea yes but fuck it I'm being a child right now. :0P LOL I can't seem to get grace out of my head. Every girl I have met I have known from the very first moment that it wasn't going anywhere but I still gave them hope that things may happen. Idk what I was thinking. I have tried to be the asshole and use instead of being used but it's not in me. I'm too nice. It's my nature to be nice. And I always get walked on. So I messed things up with two of them on perpose. It was hard to do but I managed. I most likely won't see either one again. Whatever I don't care. One was a drug adict and the other was an achohalic. Just nasty low poeple. I couldn't hang with them for long anyways. I realy don't think I deserve to be with anyone. I'm a loser. I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm broke. Have a kid. Have a bitch as an exwife that strives to make my life a liveing hell. Just so she feels better. Or she's just evil. The only thing I have is that I treat women right and don't cheat. Not much there. Besides women want a bad guy. They think they can fix him. They say they want a man like me but they realy don't. Idk. I'm done for now. Have to get up for work soon.

Ahem why?

Why is it that I cant stop thinking of Grace? Im going nuts i think i have it controled but the next moment im all about her. Fuck this sucks.She tweeted that she was out last night and i know she doesnt like to go to the places she said she was at so i know shes with someone and it hurts. I have always done and acted the right way and after the brakeup i had this thought that i should do what ever i want. so i have been on a downward spiral since. i was drinking and driveing. i wasnt that bad but i could lose my job. i was doing things around my kid that arnt good. i was on my way to the bottem fast. now im kinda seeing 6 girls at once. its true the nice guy finishs last so i thought i whould be the asshole for a time and see how it works. i know i can have sex with atleast 4 of them. i dont know what the hell im doing . i know that i dont want to be with any of them and that im useing them. i have been used everytime and now im doing the useing.

Another day

So my last blog was bad. Im still here. Im watching Graces dog tonight and tomorrow night. I watched her dog over this last weekend as well. Im helping her out by doing this and getting nothing in return. I can tell it eats at her that she feels that shes useing me. She is but im lettin her. So whos falt is it realy.....MINE!!! Im an idiot for being her for her right now. I should be keeping my distance. My friend/ roommate says I should not even talk to her and then after a year or two we can hang out together. Im sorry i cant not have her in my life for that long. She means so much to me. As a friend and as a person. She has helped me realize so many things. to name a few. Im standing up to my ex wife and telling her what i can and cant do. Whats fair and what isnt. She has shown me so many new things to do ...crafty things. She has shown me that if i dont make things happen on my own that i will miss out on things and to get out and do things by myself. She has helped me grow as a person.

She thinks she can hide feelings well but i can see the pain and the regret and ......i can see shame in her eyes sometimes. I may not know what is behide these things i see or get the vibe from her but i know she is confused and by me not able to stay away its prolonging her desicion on what she wants. i know she has slept with someone else and i dont blam her but its the fact that she says that she hasnt. its not the first lie i know she has told me. just little things here and there that i have picked up on. she can hardly look me in the eyes anymore. well i had more to say but should head off to bed. maybe tomorrow i will write more.

the end

had a nice but quick weekend with jenna. i went over to graces to watch a movie. it was nice. i tried to kiss her and it didnt work. i now know that there is no chance that we will get back together. im an emotional reck. im ready to end my life. i have tried for so meny ryears to make my life worth liveing but i dont have anything going in a possative maner. i cant take it anymore. my life is pointless. theres nothing for me.