Life is like a box of LOL ya

So many things have happened since i last did a blog. I have a second job now. I hate it but the extra money is good....if i work that is. I have paid my truck down by $9000. Thanks to my Grams. I could have used the money for other things but i thought long run it would be better to pay most of my debt off. Things with the ex are about normal. She got a job. A fucking job. After not working for 6 years she got one. The funny part is and I don't think she knows this but my child support will go down because shes working. I don't really care. I just want to see my daughter more and have things smooth. But they never will be smooth.

I'm doing OK in the lady part of my life. I'm getting laid but I don't just want that. I mean I will take it because who doesn't like getting laid? But its getting old. The girls that I'm interested in don't want anything to do with me. and the girls I'm not interested in want my nuts. Its a very strange place for me. Then theres an ex girlfriend that I'm not sure how I feel about any more. I have tried to be her friend and we have gone to the movies and I asked her to go to Pho with me and she said yes sounds good. I said let me know when and we will go. There hasn't been a word about it. I have been the one to start all conversations but one. She ask me one day how i was. So just that once she started the convo. theres so much neat stuff going on with her Soap business that i want to know more about but i feel like she avoiding me for a reason. All i can do now is wait and she if she wants to be friends. The ball has been left in her court.

So i met a new chick about three weeks ago. shes OK i guess. went to dinner the first time then she came over to my house for diner and a drink. I know there will be a third date and i have an idea of what we sould do. The problem is that she told me that she applied to a job in Chicago. So i don't want to start liking this girl too much and then she takes off or worse she stays with me and 4 months down the road we don't work out and she lost the opportunity with that job.

All in all things are going well and the future is looking bright. Just takeing one day at a time.

THings

So my life has been crazy lately. Haven't had time to do this in some time. So much to say and so much I shouldn't. Well I have been hurting for money for months now. I just found a part time job that will help out allot. I now have a normal schedule of when I can see my daughter. My ex said change these few things and I'm good with that. Ok so I change the few things and now she says it isn't fair. And that shes getting a lawyer. Ok whatever. She will find out the hard way that its already done and shes going to spend a ton of money for nothing. I haven't dated in over 6 months....let alone gotten laid. There are a few that I can any time I want but every time I have the need to fuck I don't want to. Its very strange to me. Its as if I'm waiting for something, or someone. I don't understand it at all. I want to but I don't want to put any effort into it. LOL. Anywhoo so over all things are good. I believe that Grace and I aren't friends but i still have a key to her house. Not just that but she locked herself out and had to see me and get the key i had then she gave it back to me. I thought for sure that i wasn't going to see the key again. Granted i still go over and take her dog out to the park but not as much as i should. But my friend says its not my responsibility to get the dog out. So I take him at least every other week. I want to take him more but don't at the same time. I love that dog and going to her house to pick the dog up sters things up inside of me still. I hate to say it but i still love grace. Haven't seen much of her or talked with her. strange.

So close to the end...

There are things happening to me that i cant handle any more. I have no more to hold on to. im so close to ending it all by killing myself. i work my ass off and think im going in the right direction but i end up getting forther and forether behind. there is no out for me. the hole only gets bigger and deeper. there is too much on my shoulders. i cant handle it anymore..........

Lost

So i have been trying to take care of things. All the things that have been over my head for the last year or so. All my baggage you may say. one of them is the IRS. i have been trying to set up a payment plan for almost a year now. I make just under 2000 a month right now. my bills are almost as high as my income. infact if i dont make as much i cut money from food so i can pay my bills. I just got a letter in the mail from the IRS and they made a payment plan for me. the only thing is that its way way way more than i can possable afford. i have no idea on what to do. i have called and left the guy i was talking to about the payment plan. left him a msg. i need to talk to him. get this changed. because omnce they garnish my wages i only have a few options.....keep working and live out of my truck/on the streets....or quit my job and move in with mom and dad(they wouldnt let me in)...or kill myself. its amazing to me how every day gets worse and worse for me. no matter what i do it never gets better. every day i keep telling myself and convinseing myself not to kill myself but every day gets harder and harder not to. I am lost.

hrm

So i was haveing a good day but all of a sudden it went to shit. started thinging about my life. never a good thing. after all my relationships i have come to this conclotuion. im ment to be alone. i so want to be with someone so much that it messes all my relationships up. and any chances i have with new girls. not to mention all my baggage.i put everything into my relationships. be extreamly tentative to them and that pushes them away. i dont do the push pull thing as my friend has told me before. its not in my nature. the girls that i want to be with need the push pull but the girls that are atracted to me but i m not realy into(bigger girls) dont mind it. i think i have to focus on me for a few years. get my baggage down to a more aceptable level. besides all my major mistacks have been because of girls. women fuck up my disitions. i would be so much further along if i didnt let women alter my disitions.

so work is going ok. hours are short as hell. i know long term its a good job. but the short term it sucks. i need about $400 a month more to be a safe level of liveing. i dont know what to do. i have been looking for a part time job but nothing works well with the time i have avalable. im kinda stuck. there are jobs that are full time that pay more but i dont think i can switch now. i hate changeing jobs to begin with. and the way things are now....i dont want to take the chance

waht do i do

So im trying to be friends with grace. i have put in the effert and havent resived much of anything in return. i havent contacted her in a long time. I feel that if she wants to be friends she will contact me. is it the write thing to do? im not sure i think i still should put alittle effart into it. so on friday i had a horable day. i woke up and thought i should check my account to see how much money i had left. well i looked and i had bounced my rent check. FUCK!!!!! so that put me in a bad mood and i slamed my laptop screen closed. then proseced to get ready for work. got to work and my day was still not going well. at every stop i got held up on getting checked in. so that put me behind. the day was getting later and later my mood not getting better at all. so the other driver got his route ndone and came to help me. thank god he did. i would have been an hour late or longer on clocking out and my boss would have been down my throught. still fuck about money. i have $20 till thursday. and only have 1/4 of a tank of gas in my truck. i still owe rent and my other bills are comeing up. well im starting to get frustrated and better go. more another time.

Time and such

So i have been wanting to write this for a time now. A few weeks ago i had a bad week. One day was horable. I had three accounts mess with me. One said thaey wanted 100 cases of beer over here and then changed there mind after i put it there. So i moved it to where they wanted it. Agter putting the rest of the order away in the cooler they wanted the 100 cases somewhere else. so i moved it again. Then they wanted it in a display fastion. building displays is not part of my job. But i did it anyways.So that was at one account i deliver to. the next two where close to that too. Just a crapy day. that week i made a few mistakes too. Just a bad week. Ontop of all else i have going on it almost broke me. Im still plugging along. I dont know why but i am. Things with grace have come to a halt. I know she is with someone now and it hurts alittle. I have tried to be her friend and have gotten very little responce from her. So the new year has come now and im not going to contact her at all. If someone wants to be my friend they will contact me. I have always contacted the person to hang out or what have you. And im done being that person. I have started this before new years but this year its all about me. Im going to work on myself. Do all the things i want to do since once im in a relationship its always about them. well no more. I also plan to have one date amonth and no sex for the whole year. The hard part will be getting the one date amonth. The no sex part is easy. I have gone two years without it in a row so shouldnt be hard to do a year. lol. Im doing this becase sex seems to get in the way of my life. i focuse on that and not all the other things i should be doing. so im going to focuse on everything else. I wish grace the best and that she wont get hurt this time but i belive she will get hurt. I hope that she contacts me and will be my friend. I dont think she will contact me for atleast two months. Just the prospect of all the things i have planed folr myself this year is makeing me hapy. I have hard times ahead but i know i can come through it stronger. I know i wanted to put more things down but cant for the life of me remember what they are. so either i dont need to put them down or i worked through them already.