Universe smacking

So I laid in bed last night thinking and then fell asleep. When I woke up today I felt diferent. As I'm driveing to work the idea that I'm a nice guy and hasn't worked for me yet and that I I was a n asshole I should get lots of action. :0) nice so I tweet that I'm done being nice and I'm going to be an asshole from now on. Not ten min later I was tring to be a dick tosome one and the universe smacked me hard!!! I felt ill I stently at the same time the thought she will never come back to you in that way again. So my day went on. An hour or so later I was being nice to someone that I should have punched. This happens. Feel even sicker and nose is running down the street at this point. The thought...she may still be with you in that way. Now witch is it? No or yes. But through the day clarity has come to me. We were ment to be together for that time. We helped each other in so many ways that may not have been done through just friendship. Now that it's over we still can be friends after time. When it's safe to be around eachother. Now I know she is seeing or just being with someone. I belive I know who it is. But realy it doesn't matter. Because I know she's trying to fill the hole I left. It may work for a time but won't work in the end. I have been looking at the picture of my life too close. I need to see the big picture. I know now that grace and I are done as a couple. And It may hurt to say but the facts are the facts. Idk how much of a roll I will be playing in her life or the other way around.

Its been one week today

A week ago today it happened. The brack up. I have done everything that i can to stay with her. It was for my own peace of mind that i tried at all. Its been a ruff week. Thursday was one of the hardest days. My daughter asked if we can go over to her house and i had to say no shes at work. then lets go when shes off work. Sorry sweety shes busy and doesnt have time for us today. as im driveing down the road crying. its giveing me tears now. so that night we whent to a kids play thing. it was alot of fun. my knees are still killing me from craling around so much. but it helped keep the brake up off my mind. then friday came. i had gotten some sleep the night before. first time that week. went to work had a mostly good day there. but i didnt cry or have time to think about grace. i had some understanding come to me. clarity.....almost. looking back i think i know we were doomed from the begining. i would always have this feeling that she didnt want to be with me. but then i said if she didnt want to be with me she wouldnt be. so i let it pass. then there where little things here and there that pointed it out as well but i ignored then. the last month i let her do most of the affection..start things as u will. because i had been getting tierd of doing all the work never knowing if she was in the mood or not. and i was getting tierd of it. bam thats when it hit me. once i realized i wasnt getting back what i gave and knew i wanted to get it back. my mind clicked. she was right. i do deserve some one that will want to be with me and give back as much as i give them. so my friday went pretty good. only one set back. my mom called me and the pain of getting dumped came up. yesterday was a hard day for me. i was thinking about her most of the day. i didnt realy have anything to do so that wasnt any help.today will be a hard one as well i think. i do have some things to do so we will see. i miss her. beeing around her, the things we did or the thought of her. just as she said it to me it didnt make sence but now it does. its not fair for both of us to not give 100% to each other or pretend things are fine when they arent. i know its for the best thst we dont see each other for a time. im allmost posative that she wont go back to me. the only times i thought we where right for each other was when we were out of town. and thats not enough. i realize now that i do want the affection from a girl. and that its important to me to resive it. idk i do love grace. i know im going to have ok days and bad days. i just want to stay away from the days where its so bad i cry. if i can stay away from those days in about a month i belive grace will text or call or something. we can hang out at that point. need to go and start my day. if i think about it much longer then i will cry.

clarity...maybe

so i got jenna after work and my ex said that she wanted to take jenna to high ballocity. i didnt feel like doing anything since i havent sleptmuch if at all in days. we had a blast. and right now we are eating chicken nugets. im eating its supriseing. i havent fewlt hungry in days. i started off with one then i made more....im up to haveing 5. lol i think i want more. by playing with jenna at ball ocity took my mind off of grace and i feel good at the moment. i did something on my own. sorta but its a step. i grabbed a flier on a bowling leauge. so i think i may join a bowling leauge. i liked it before now i im going to do it solo. meet new poeple.

Pain

I did a last ditch effert last night to see grace. It failed. I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm not functioning well today. My body is a mess. My mind is worse. Grace basicly told me last night to move on with my life. That we are done. She has to find the person she used to be. She had lost that person a long time ago and she needs to find herself again. Before she will see me/hang out be around me. I'm so lost as to what to do. Every moment of the day I'm thinking of her. I know I have to stop. She also said that once she knows what she wants she can see me. If that means to be with me or not. But as it stands now. Not looking good. I think she said I'm not the one but a min later said something that I maybe the one. I can tell she is confused and lost like me. The last month has been hard on me cus I tried to let her come to me to spend time and be affectionet. I had been feeling that I should feel or get some kind of affection back from her. There hasn't been much the whole relationship. Unless we were out of town. Things were great at those times. But once we got home she would change.

I'm feeling like crap right now. My body is hateing me. I can't eat. And a liquid diet isn't good. I'm crapping up have no strenth my heart is raseing a mile a minute and I'm tingeling all over. Plus I feel like I'm going to puke. So it's the end with grace. I'm not sure what to do now. I went from over the road to local job and I had someone to spend my time with. She doesn't think she gave back as much as I gave. Just spending time with her was giveing back. She's a very busy person. I don't know if that's to run from a problem or just who she is. Now I didn't go to a local job just for her. I know I may have said that in the past but I did it for me too. She has helped me in so meny was. It's going to be very hard to see her the next time. Whenever that maybe. Weeks months year. Idk. I am most likely still holding on to a glimmer of hope. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I know what ever she desides. With me or not. We will b friends. But the first time she has a new guy around I will have to mostlikely leave. I will cry.
Lost all train of thought. It's been like three days trying to post this. I don't know what else to put right now....

dumped

so i was dumped by grace yesterday. she said she messed up the whole relationship. basicly she never realy wanted to be with me. she would try to do girlfriendy things but it was too hard for her. i think i have always known in the back of my mind that we wouldnt work but i was hopeing. the last month i had tried to let her decid when we would hug kiss be together. i guess after three days of her not wanting to be around eachother she had enough. she said she didnt want me to go but knew it was for the best. idk. im lost.....

Weding and stuff

So the wedding was fun. It's was a nice visit with graces family. Got to see the new born. So cute. And got to see maddy the sweet little girl. So cute as well. The wedding had good food and danceing and poeple. When grace and I got back I spent almost everynight with her until Saturday morning. Sat morning I when to my daughters soccer game. In the middle of nowhere. 250 miles away. Back to that later. So the last few days grace has had alot of "me" time. Also at her work she is getting trained for a higher position. Witch is great. But between roller derby and her new hours of work. It seems like she's pushing me away. I have noticed that almost like clock work that she gets to the point of almost breaking up with me or something. Idk she gets......um closed off. I can tell she doesn't want me around but says she does I don't get it. I ask if .....I always ask/make plans together. Second day working on this blog...so stayed over at her house last night it was nice but something was missing. Idk maybe it's me. I don't feel like myself lately. Idk how to fix it but will work on it. More later maybe

Confuzed

So i have been at my new job for almost 90 days now. the hours are slim. im short on cash. also im makeing alot of little mistakes. and i know the boss isnt too happy about that fact. i just hope he gives me alittle more time to prove myself. its been a long and hard month and its not over yet either. my ex is comeing after me because i havent made a trip out there yet. well i dont have the money to get out there yet. i just got a new car so i CAN make it out there and back again. i only have a few things left that are worth anything. i have sold off everything else. Gina has been great for a long time but seems like theres something there that she wants to say to me but cant find the right time. its as if she wants to call things off and be done with me then shes fine again a few days later. i havent said anything cus i have been asking and getting in her business way too much lately. its different to have been together for about six months and not liveing with her. i get bored and on me nights i call her and chat for a min or on facebook chat with her then call her. i have to let off a bit or it will be the end. i have so much going on i wasnt able to put all that i want down. my mind is running al over the place.