Another day

So my last blog was bad. Im still here. Im watching Graces dog tonight and tomorrow night. I watched her dog over this last weekend as well. Im helping her out by doing this and getting nothing in return. I can tell it eats at her that she feels that shes useing me. She is but im lettin her. So whos falt is it realy.....MINE!!! Im an idiot for being her for her right now. I should be keeping my distance. My friend/ roommate says I should not even talk to her and then after a year or two we can hang out together. Im sorry i cant not have her in my life for that long. She means so much to me. As a friend and as a person. She has helped me realize so many things. to name a few. Im standing up to my ex wife and telling her what i can and cant do. Whats fair and what isnt. She has shown me so many new things to do ...crafty things. She has shown me that if i dont make things happen on my own that i will miss out on things and to get out and do things by myself. She has helped me grow as a person.

She thinks she can hide feelings well but i can see the pain and the regret and ......i can see shame in her eyes sometimes. I may not know what is behide these things i see or get the vibe from her but i know she is confused and by me not able to stay away its prolonging her desicion on what she wants. i know she has slept with someone else and i dont blam her but its the fact that she says that she hasnt. its not the first lie i know she has told me. just little things here and there that i have picked up on. she can hardly look me in the eyes anymore. well i had more to say but should head off to bed. maybe tomorrow i will write more.

the end

had a nice but quick weekend with jenna. i went over to graces to watch a movie. it was nice. i tried to kiss her and it didnt work. i now know that there is no chance that we will get back together. im an emotional reck. im ready to end my life. i have tried for so meny ryears to make my life worth liveing but i dont have anything going in a possative maner. i cant take it anymore. my life is pointless. theres nothing for me.

thinking of love

So why is it I love Grace. i had diner with her the other night and it was great. i just helped her finish packing. she gave me a hug and was off. she packed everything in the back and nothing in the front seat. that to me means that she is takeing someone with her. she whould in the past put stuff in the front seat so there was more room for the dog. anyways. i had trhis thought on the way home. i love poeple too easly. is it cus i havent felt love back and put a ton of energy into somweone so they may feel love for me or have i ever felt love in any form. i hear it from my parents alot but i dont feel anything. when i was a kid i always held my feelings in and my thoughts on things cus i didnt want poeple to think i was stupid. and i think it has fucked me up in the head. im a quiet person keep to myself and shy. i only chime in when i know something as a fact. hardly ever as an opinion. i mean just look at my spelling its horible. my room mate has been working alot lately and the house is emty. i have no friends and noone to talk to. i dont do well by myself. i need to be around poeple. witch is weird cus i wont just go up to some one and start chating. its not me. i had sex last night with a girl that i hardly know. it was ok but the whole time i was thinking of grace. i wanted to kiss her so bad today. i miss her. i have been trying to find out if i miss her or the fact that i need to be around someone. its bounced back and forth for weeks now. i say it was just to be around someone that was always aon the go doing things and i would be ok for a day or two. then i would know in my heart that i miss her as a person and all the little looks and smiles she gave me. didnt happen often but when it did wow. i lit up inside. far as gettting laid again idk. i dont feel anything for this girl and i know im useing her and i feel guilty. every time things get sexual i start thinking about grace. its not fair for anyone involed. tonight is a very lonely night. grace is going out of town till sunday. and im getting my daughter tomorrow. im tempted to go to bed now at 3pm just so tomorrow will come sooner and i wont feel the way i do. i thought for a minute about wanting to die when grace dumped me. it quickly went awway. i have thought about it for years and it always goes away. i could never go through with it. but i always think about it cus i feel like im a great person and always doing the right thing but i always get shit on. nothing ever goes right for me. im always the loser. im tierd of it....sooo tierd of it. just once i would like things to work in my faver. i am thinking of sending in a postcard to post secret. i have a few that i should send in.

ummmm

So i know i cut things off with grace since i cant seem to just try to be friends. i want more and its confuseing me. i want to be around her but i know its mainly the fact that im bored and atleast around her i have things to do. i know she wont go back to me but i cant but help to hope. i have to think about it realy hard today. i say today because she plans on makeing soap tomorrow and i want to make it with her. i enjoy the prosece. its very cool to me. i dont know if we can be friends. meaning that i dont know what we would do. or if she would even have time for me as a friend or if she wants to be friends. idk at this point. i wil think about it hard today. i have to think about if im around as her friend that that would make it so that im around and that would mean she didnt miss me. and there whould be no chance of her wanting me. i have to choose and i think i have already made my decision but i want to make sure before its final. im meeting someone new today as friends. who knows what will happen. im always looking for new friends. and if i can find a few that i can start hanging out with i will be busy and wont think about grace.

Im stupid

My roommate was right. I shouldn't have talked to her. its makeing things hard for me again. Im starting to care too much about her i was almost to the point where i was cool with what ever. i think grace has done the right thing. if we were ment to be together she whould have realized it by now. i know she wont get back with me now. its hard to swallow. I know that she lied to me tonight...well she may have i dont know for sure yet. this is getting to be way too hard again. i need to move on and get rid of what little hope i have left gone. the only thing that i can speed up the time line is to get hooked up with someone else. i dont want to do that cus i know that we wouldnt work out cus i still have feelings for grace. idk what to do. all i can do and have thought about this all day is to cut grace out of my life for a time until i feel its safe to let her back into my life. theres nothing else i can do. i talked to her yesterday and thats how all this started. she called me and we chated for a minute. after we hung up all i wanted to do was go see her. i know thats not a good idea. i cant handle seeing her right now. from just talking to her i want things to work out. i said i will watch her dog when she goes out of town. as my roommate pointed out to me yesterday...im not letting her chase me. im giveing her everything she wants without the case and no good can come of it. i know hes right now. thats another reason i need to stop talking to her and not see her for a long time.

Hard day today and ahead

I beleave I have reached my limit. I can't take not talking to her any more. I have to do something about it. But I can't do anything about it. Lol. I'm tierd of useing a friend to pass a massege to her about a movie then my stuff that's still there. I give up. The stuff isn't that important. I just wanted to be around her/esence. To feel conected to her some how.She's an amazing person. She makes me smile all the time and she's not even trying to. It's killing me not being able to talk to her but I know it's the right thing. If I talk to her or she talks to me before she knows what she wants. She may choose the wrong path that would make her happy. I don't want to put her in that situation. I will be her friend if that's the only way I can have her in my life. A friend is better than not haveing her in my life. Her family for that matter too. I do belive that I can't see her for a time. How long u ask....idk a month two maybe longer. How ever long it takes for me to control my love for her to a friend level. It will take time. Some of my friends say I need to hit the bars and just get out there and get a girl and have a fun night and move on. I'm not like that. I haven't had sex in two or so weeks when ever grace and I did it last. And I most likely won't have sex again for a long time. Months if not a year or longer. I have to be in a relationship to have sex. Just who I am. Since I have had my heart stomped on twice in a row now I'm not sure I will ever look for someone to be with. I gave it my all and I got rejected. Now it could have been like my one friend said. I was cheated on the whole time but I don't think grace could have done that the whole time. She would have ended it much sooner then she did. Don't get me wrong I have my suspition about one guy and I would say they hooked up....deffenetly once most likely three times when grace and I were together. I think I know this would have been the outcome and that's why I didn't that our last kiss to the next step or it could have been the fact that if we did have sex we would have stayed together. And I know that wasn't the right thing to do. I'm too good for my own good. I think I'm done with dateing forever. Far as grace goes right Noe I have to stay away. I know if I showed up at her house we would have sex and likely get back together for a time then braeke up then back again then brake up. It would go on for a time until it got to weird or something. But it would end at some point. And only bring more pain in he long run. Would I be a booty call for her. Maybe. Depends how the friendship is. If we weren't realy friends then ya. Less of a chance of getting the feelings back but if we are good friends then no or maybe. Fuck it's just a bad idea all around. I would be wanting more and she wouldn't. It's done and I have to move on. Not like my friends say to but my way. I have to find something that's mine and mine alone to do. Shoot it's late I better go to bed.

Thinking

So I decided or came to the conclutuon that updateing my FB and twitter is a form of talking to grace. She wasnts no communication right now so that's what she gets. Idk if it's the right thing to do but I think it's what needs to b done. I don't know how long it will be before she knows what she wants and every day is a hard one with out her or talking to her or texting or anything. There are days that are harder then others. I get weird feelings. Some times I know she will talk to me soon and others where I know it's over and no chance for anything. Idk if we can b friends for a time. I was telling my roommate last night that it would be weird to see her right now. I wouldn't know what to do. Kiss her hug her or what. I think about her every day. What's she's up to. How she's doing. I feel ok some days and others like today where the pain is still showing on my skin. Can't hide much on days like this. Hopefully by the time my roommate gets home I can hide it abit. Well back to work.