I'm a fool

So we were supposed to talk tonight and its not happening. She is avoiding me. At least that's what it seems like. She said its not like its the end of the world. Well for me it is. When I know there's something wrong and it's about me I have to know what it is. She is making excuses to not talk to me. What have I done? What did it do wrong? Can it be fixed? I'm a damn fool for moving in....expesialy so soon after meeting her. I'm lost as what to do. I'm stuck at her house now and can't do shit about it until the lease is over....at the earliest.

What am I doing?

I have met a girl about two months ago. Before we met she told me that she has stage four thyroid cancer. She asked if I still wanted to meet her. I said yes. I haven't stopped thinking about her since. I would bring my daughter down for the weekend and her three kids and mine would have fun all weekend. Me and her would have are fun😜 things were great!!! After about a month or so she told me that she may have to move unless she got a roommate. I was looking to move down to be able to see her more and see where things go. She asked if I would move in whith her. I said the only reason I was moveing down there was to be able to see her more.she stated that she wasn't looking for a relationship just yet but here I was and has repeatedly pointed out that I'm here and that I scare her cus I'm so good to her. There's other points to how she hints at how she feels about me. Like this.....her moms told her that I'm like her sisters man...he's very good to her sister....treats her great from what she told me and that her mom says I'm like that guy for her. So all of a sudden things went south. She sat me down and said that she can only be friends with benifits but exclusive to one another because she has too much going on. She also said that she is in a funk. A down time. Not to mention that she hasn't finished the devorce papers yet. I can understand that. I believe that she started acting this way because I happened to tell her I loved her. I do t know what I was thinking. It just slipped out. I over stepped some bounderys about her kids. That added to how things are now. Also I injured myself and was out from work for almost two weeks. I had pills and I drank a lot. I turned into someone I'm not proud of. My temper was short and I just fall owed her around like a little puppy. Makes me sick that I acted that way. So last night I asked if she had plans for today cuz I wanted to take everyone bowling. She said yes going to her friends for a kids sleep over. She has never giving me a reason to not trust her. There are things that bug me and I know there's things that I do that bug her. I know that adds to why she is acting like there's nothing between us. Before I moved in she acted like we were a couple cus that's what she said we were. Because when I told her that I talked to a girl she emeditly said it hurt more than she thought and that I would b moveing in ad her man. She now has changed that. So tonight when she left to go to her friends she said good bye to my kid and after a few seconds maybe a min she called up to me and said goodbye. I replaide goodbye. Hoping it wasn't in an angry voice. I'm not mad at her but I am confused as what she needs and wants from me. I don't get much from her....far as emotions or talking any more. So in slowly pulling away. I have to get my emotions back where they should be cuz I care about her way too much. I really don't know what I should do. I can't help but want to do things for her and try to make her life just alittle easier. I have always been this person. Now far as sleeping with someone else......I won't. I'm not like that and if if it ever happened I would tell her. But for it to happen I would have to be smashed drunk and being that smashed I wouldn't be able to get it up anyways. Lol

Whyu am I attracted to the wrong poeple for me? I have been seeing this girl that is awesome but she is so bad for me. She uses drugs daily. I dont use drugs but realy and its a rare acation wen that happens. I dont get it. I am completly in love with this girl and I know I shouldnt be. I am so lost as waht I should do. I told her brother about what shes useing and all that. and said that i love her and want a future with her but long as shes useing i cant be with her. Shes a differnet person when shes high. atleast thats what i belive.

Girlfriend.........maybe

So first off I havent been on here in a realy long time. I resontly met a girl that i kinda work with. I say kinda because I deliver beer and she works at one of my stops. I asked her out one day and she said yes. This was on a thursday. We made plans to hang out on saturday. She text me on friday to see if I wanted to go to a bbq at her place. I went and thats where things began. I made a move and things went from there. We have spent every day together exept maybe three days. Its been um think we are starting our 6th week. The sex is amazing. Out of this world kind of sex. Best Ive ever had and she says the same thing. She has said from the begining that she doesnt like doing the relastionship thing. Shes not good at it. I think I pushed a relationship status on us. So now theres a little resentment on her part....maybe. Idk. she is so hard to read. She said the other day that she would need an open relationship. In the past I have always wanted that. But for me its after ayear or two of being with the person before I thought that. Now that I found someone that is into that. My minds fucking with me. It says yes we found the one thats on the same page as you. But every time I think of her with someone else my stumic gets in knotts. I am always thinking of her and cant wait to see her again. Even if its just for a moment. The smile she gives me and the looks...melt me away. So we had a threesome the other day. It was me and her and a guy. It was alot of fun. But my heart or mind is messing with me. Its saying it shouldnt be this way...why are u ok with it like this? I cant decide if i Love her or im in lust with her. I think I need some time apart from her. The problem is that the sex...I love it and cant seem to get enought of it. All in all im so fucked. She also said that she doesnt want to hurt me so we should end things. Shes said this almost from day one. I talked her into staying with me and we are going from there. I just dont know what to do. I want what she wants but I dont at the same time. Is it because this is still all new to both us and I dont want to share her yet...or ever. Idk. I truely wish i knew. Things would be so much easier. Well theres my rant for the year.

Life is like a box of LOL ya

So many things have happened since i last did a blog. I have a second job now. I hate it but the extra money is good....if i work that is. I have paid my truck down by $9000. Thanks to my Grams. I could have used the money for other things but i thought long run it would be better to pay most of my debt off. Things with the ex are about normal. She got a job. A fucking job. After not working for 6 years she got one. The funny part is and I don't think she knows this but my child support will go down because shes working. I don't really care. I just want to see my daughter more and have things smooth. But they never will be smooth.

I'm doing OK in the lady part of my life. I'm getting laid but I don't just want that. I mean I will take it because who doesn't like getting laid? But its getting old. The girls that I'm interested in don't want anything to do with me. and the girls I'm not interested in want my nuts. Its a very strange place for me. Then theres an ex girlfriend that I'm not sure how I feel about any more. I have tried to be her friend and we have gone to the movies and I asked her to go to Pho with me and she said yes sounds good. I said let me know when and we will go. There hasn't been a word about it. I have been the one to start all conversations but one. She ask me one day how i was. So just that once she started the convo. theres so much neat stuff going on with her Soap business that i want to know more about but i feel like she avoiding me for a reason. All i can do now is wait and she if she wants to be friends. The ball has been left in her court.

So i met a new chick about three weeks ago. shes OK i guess. went to dinner the first time then she came over to my house for diner and a drink. I know there will be a third date and i have an idea of what we sould do. The problem is that she told me that she applied to a job in Chicago. So i don't want to start liking this girl too much and then she takes off or worse she stays with me and 4 months down the road we don't work out and she lost the opportunity with that job.

All in all things are going well and the future is looking bright. Just takeing one day at a time.

THings

So my life has been crazy lately. Haven't had time to do this in some time. So much to say and so much I shouldn't. Well I have been hurting for money for months now. I just found a part time job that will help out allot. I now have a normal schedule of when I can see my daughter. My ex said change these few things and I'm good with that. Ok so I change the few things and now she says it isn't fair. And that shes getting a lawyer. Ok whatever. She will find out the hard way that its already done and shes going to spend a ton of money for nothing. I haven't dated in over 6 months....let alone gotten laid. There are a few that I can any time I want but every time I have the need to fuck I don't want to. Its very strange to me. Its as if I'm waiting for something, or someone. I don't understand it at all. I want to but I don't want to put any effort into it. LOL. Anywhoo so over all things are good. I believe that Grace and I aren't friends but i still have a key to her house. Not just that but she locked herself out and had to see me and get the key i had then she gave it back to me. I thought for sure that i wasn't going to see the key again. Granted i still go over and take her dog out to the park but not as much as i should. But my friend says its not my responsibility to get the dog out. So I take him at least every other week. I want to take him more but don't at the same time. I love that dog and going to her house to pick the dog up sters things up inside of me still. I hate to say it but i still love grace. Haven't seen much of her or talked with her. strange.

So close to the end...

There are things happening to me that i cant handle any more. I have no more to hold on to. im so close to ending it all by killing myself. i work my ass off and think im going in the right direction but i end up getting forther and forether behind. there is no out for me. the hole only gets bigger and deeper. there is too much on my shoulders. i cant handle it anymore..........

Lost

So i have been trying to take care of things. All the things that have been over my head for the last year or so. All my baggage you may say. one of them is the IRS. i have been trying to set up a payment plan for almost a year now. I make just under 2000 a month right now. my bills are almost as high as my income. infact if i dont make as much i cut money from food so i can pay my bills. I just got a letter in the mail from the IRS and they made a payment plan for me. the only thing is that its way way way more than i can possable afford. i have no idea on what to do. i have called and left the guy i was talking to about the payment plan. left him a msg. i need to talk to him. get this changed. because omnce they garnish my wages i only have a few options.....keep working and live out of my truck/on the streets....or quit my job and move in with mom and dad(they wouldnt let me in)...or kill myself. its amazing to me how every day gets worse and worse for me. no matter what i do it never gets better. every day i keep telling myself and convinseing myself not to kill myself but every day gets harder and harder not to. I am lost.

hrm

So i was haveing a good day but all of a sudden it went to shit. started thinging about my life. never a good thing. after all my relationships i have come to this conclotuion. im ment to be alone. i so want to be with someone so much that it messes all my relationships up. and any chances i have with new girls. not to mention all my baggage.i put everything into my relationships. be extreamly tentative to them and that pushes them away. i dont do the push pull thing as my friend has told me before. its not in my nature. the girls that i want to be with need the push pull but the girls that are atracted to me but i m not realy into(bigger girls) dont mind it. i think i have to focus on me for a few years. get my baggage down to a more aceptable level. besides all my major mistacks have been because of girls. women fuck up my disitions. i would be so much further along if i didnt let women alter my disitions.

so work is going ok. hours are short as hell. i know long term its a good job. but the short term it sucks. i need about $400 a month more to be a safe level of liveing. i dont know what to do. i have been looking for a part time job but nothing works well with the time i have avalable. im kinda stuck. there are jobs that are full time that pay more but i dont think i can switch now. i hate changeing jobs to begin with. and the way things are now....i dont want to take the chance

waht do i do

So im trying to be friends with grace. i have put in the effert and havent resived much of anything in return. i havent contacted her in a long time. I feel that if she wants to be friends she will contact me. is it the write thing to do? im not sure i think i still should put alittle effart into it. so on friday i had a horable day. i woke up and thought i should check my account to see how much money i had left. well i looked and i had bounced my rent check. FUCK!!!!! so that put me in a bad mood and i slamed my laptop screen closed. then proseced to get ready for work. got to work and my day was still not going well. at every stop i got held up on getting checked in. so that put me behind. the day was getting later and later my mood not getting better at all. so the other driver got his route ndone and came to help me. thank god he did. i would have been an hour late or longer on clocking out and my boss would have been down my throught. still fuck about money. i have $20 till thursday. and only have 1/4 of a tank of gas in my truck. i still owe rent and my other bills are comeing up. well im starting to get frustrated and better go. more another time.

Time and such

So i have been wanting to write this for a time now. A few weeks ago i had a bad week. One day was horable. I had three accounts mess with me. One said thaey wanted 100 cases of beer over here and then changed there mind after i put it there. So i moved it to where they wanted it. Agter putting the rest of the order away in the cooler they wanted the 100 cases somewhere else. so i moved it again. Then they wanted it in a display fastion. building displays is not part of my job. But i did it anyways.So that was at one account i deliver to. the next two where close to that too. Just a crapy day. that week i made a few mistakes too. Just a bad week. Ontop of all else i have going on it almost broke me. Im still plugging along. I dont know why but i am. Things with grace have come to a halt. I know she is with someone now and it hurts alittle. I have tried to be her friend and have gotten very little responce from her. So the new year has come now and im not going to contact her at all. If someone wants to be my friend they will contact me. I have always contacted the person to hang out or what have you. And im done being that person. I have started this before new years but this year its all about me. Im going to work on myself. Do all the things i want to do since once im in a relationship its always about them. well no more. I also plan to have one date amonth and no sex for the whole year. The hard part will be getting the one date amonth. The no sex part is easy. I have gone two years without it in a row so shouldnt be hard to do a year. lol. Im doing this becase sex seems to get in the way of my life. i focuse on that and not all the other things i should be doing. so im going to focuse on everything else. I wish grace the best and that she wont get hurt this time but i belive she will get hurt. I hope that she contacts me and will be my friend. I dont think she will contact me for atleast two months. Just the prospect of all the things i have planed folr myself this year is makeing me hapy. I have hard times ahead but i know i can come through it stronger. I know i wanted to put more things down but cant for the life of me remember what they are. so either i dont need to put them down or i worked through them already.

strange feelings and time

;So grace and i are kinda of trying to be friends. i trying and shes avoding me. lol. i know she is seeing someone and i think shes going to get hurt. i hope thats not the case but part of me hopes it happens. im an ass for thinking like that. im still hurting from the brake up. i cant seem to get her out of my mind. im watching her critters while she is out of town seeing her family.i have met up with several girls since grace and i broke up and they dont hold a candle to grace. im not in the lest interested in the other girls. after i watch the critters and say welcome home. im not going to talk to her until she contacts me. its the only thing i think i can do. its whats best for me. if she wants to be my friend then she will get a hold of me.had so much more to put but i have to tend to the fire. more later

What am i thinnking

So its been two or three months since grace and i broke up. Im still takeing her dog to the park and im going to watching her critters when shes out of town for xmas. i think i was to hasty to do it for her. i should have said no but its not in my nature to not do things for my friends. but realy we arnt friends. we havent seen each other in over a month. hardly talked. i know shes useing me for my generosity. the only thing i can hope for is that she comes around some day and wants to be friends. im trying to leave it up to her. i stoppede fallowing her on twitter and on facebook. im not sure if she knows yet but i belive its what i need to do. i have been looking on both sites to see what shes up to. and realy it isnt any of my bussiness. i just hope shes not doing anything that will hurt her later on. she had an accident the other day and she didnt tell me about it right away. does she have to tell me no. but i would tell her if something happend to me. but im the nice person and im not saying that she isnt. i still think she has to find herself....no...um...find the person that she wants to be. i think shes on her way there. she has cleaned her house alot. got the clutter out of it...mostly. lol. i truely just want her to be happy. i would be lieing if i didnt wish it would be with me but its not going to be. i just hope that i can be her friend.

What to put planed for week now

I have wanted to put this down for over a week. I have been kinda seeing six different girls at once. Some just pm e or twice but others a few times. I haven't been with any of then no matter what I may have said in the past blogs. I play off that I have with my room mate so he may tell his girl and she would tell grace. Stupid idea yes but fuck it I'm being a child right now. :0P LOL I can't seem to get grace out of my head. Every girl I have met I have known from the very first moment that it wasn't going anywhere but I still gave them hope that things may happen. Idk what I was thinking. I have tried to be the asshole and use instead of being used but it's not in me. I'm too nice. It's my nature to be nice. And I always get walked on. So I messed things up with two of them on perpose. It was hard to do but I managed. I most likely won't see either one again. Whatever I don't care. One was a drug adict and the other was an achohalic. Just nasty low poeple. I couldn't hang with them for long anyways. I realy don't think I deserve to be with anyone. I'm a loser. I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm broke. Have a kid. Have a bitch as an exwife that strives to make my life a liveing hell. Just so she feels better. Or she's just evil. The only thing I have is that I treat women right and don't cheat. Not much there. Besides women want a bad guy. They think they can fix him. They say they want a man like me but they realy don't. Idk. I'm done for now. Have to get up for work soon.

Ahem why?

Why is it that I cant stop thinking of Grace? Im going nuts i think i have it controled but the next moment im all about her. Fuck this sucks.She tweeted that she was out last night and i know she doesnt like to go to the places she said she was at so i know shes with someone and it hurts. I have always done and acted the right way and after the brakeup i had this thought that i should do what ever i want. so i have been on a downward spiral since. i was drinking and driveing. i wasnt that bad but i could lose my job. i was doing things around my kid that arnt good. i was on my way to the bottem fast. now im kinda seeing 6 girls at once. its true the nice guy finishs last so i thought i whould be the asshole for a time and see how it works. i know i can have sex with atleast 4 of them. i dont know what the hell im doing . i know that i dont want to be with any of them and that im useing them. i have been used everytime and now im doing the useing.

Another day

So my last blog was bad. Im still here. Im watching Graces dog tonight and tomorrow night. I watched her dog over this last weekend as well. Im helping her out by doing this and getting nothing in return. I can tell it eats at her that she feels that shes useing me. She is but im lettin her. So whos falt is it realy.....MINE!!! Im an idiot for being her for her right now. I should be keeping my distance. My friend/ roommate says I should not even talk to her and then after a year or two we can hang out together. Im sorry i cant not have her in my life for that long. She means so much to me. As a friend and as a person. She has helped me realize so many things. to name a few. Im standing up to my ex wife and telling her what i can and cant do. Whats fair and what isnt. She has shown me so many new things to do ...crafty things. She has shown me that if i dont make things happen on my own that i will miss out on things and to get out and do things by myself. She has helped me grow as a person.

She thinks she can hide feelings well but i can see the pain and the regret and ......i can see shame in her eyes sometimes. I may not know what is behide these things i see or get the vibe from her but i know she is confused and by me not able to stay away its prolonging her desicion on what she wants. i know she has slept with someone else and i dont blam her but its the fact that she says that she hasnt. its not the first lie i know she has told me. just little things here and there that i have picked up on. she can hardly look me in the eyes anymore. well i had more to say but should head off to bed. maybe tomorrow i will write more.

the end

had a nice but quick weekend with jenna. i went over to graces to watch a movie. it was nice. i tried to kiss her and it didnt work. i now know that there is no chance that we will get back together. im an emotional reck. im ready to end my life. i have tried for so meny ryears to make my life worth liveing but i dont have anything going in a possative maner. i cant take it anymore. my life is pointless. theres nothing for me.

thinking of love

So why is it I love Grace. i had diner with her the other night and it was great. i just helped her finish packing. she gave me a hug and was off. she packed everything in the back and nothing in the front seat. that to me means that she is takeing someone with her. she whould in the past put stuff in the front seat so there was more room for the dog. anyways. i had trhis thought on the way home. i love poeple too easly. is it cus i havent felt love back and put a ton of energy into somweone so they may feel love for me or have i ever felt love in any form. i hear it from my parents alot but i dont feel anything. when i was a kid i always held my feelings in and my thoughts on things cus i didnt want poeple to think i was stupid. and i think it has fucked me up in the head. im a quiet person keep to myself and shy. i only chime in when i know something as a fact. hardly ever as an opinion. i mean just look at my spelling its horible. my room mate has been working alot lately and the house is emty. i have no friends and noone to talk to. i dont do well by myself. i need to be around poeple. witch is weird cus i wont just go up to some one and start chating. its not me. i had sex last night with a girl that i hardly know. it was ok but the whole time i was thinking of grace. i wanted to kiss her so bad today. i miss her. i have been trying to find out if i miss her or the fact that i need to be around someone. its bounced back and forth for weeks now. i say it was just to be around someone that was always aon the go doing things and i would be ok for a day or two. then i would know in my heart that i miss her as a person and all the little looks and smiles she gave me. didnt happen often but when it did wow. i lit up inside. far as gettting laid again idk. i dont feel anything for this girl and i know im useing her and i feel guilty. every time things get sexual i start thinking about grace. its not fair for anyone involed. tonight is a very lonely night. grace is going out of town till sunday. and im getting my daughter tomorrow. im tempted to go to bed now at 3pm just so tomorrow will come sooner and i wont feel the way i do. i thought for a minute about wanting to die when grace dumped me. it quickly went awway. i have thought about it for years and it always goes away. i could never go through with it. but i always think about it cus i feel like im a great person and always doing the right thing but i always get shit on. nothing ever goes right for me. im always the loser. im tierd of it....sooo tierd of it. just once i would like things to work in my faver. i am thinking of sending in a postcard to post secret. i have a few that i should send in.

ummmm

So i know i cut things off with grace since i cant seem to just try to be friends. i want more and its confuseing me. i want to be around her but i know its mainly the fact that im bored and atleast around her i have things to do. i know she wont go back to me but i cant but help to hope. i have to think about it realy hard today. i say today because she plans on makeing soap tomorrow and i want to make it with her. i enjoy the prosece. its very cool to me. i dont know if we can be friends. meaning that i dont know what we would do. or if she would even have time for me as a friend or if she wants to be friends. idk at this point. i wil think about it hard today. i have to think about if im around as her friend that that would make it so that im around and that would mean she didnt miss me. and there whould be no chance of her wanting me. i have to choose and i think i have already made my decision but i want to make sure before its final. im meeting someone new today as friends. who knows what will happen. im always looking for new friends. and if i can find a few that i can start hanging out with i will be busy and wont think about grace.

Im stupid

My roommate was right. I shouldn't have talked to her. its makeing things hard for me again. Im starting to care too much about her i was almost to the point where i was cool with what ever. i think grace has done the right thing. if we were ment to be together she whould have realized it by now. i know she wont get back with me now. its hard to swallow. I know that she lied to me tonight...well she may have i dont know for sure yet. this is getting to be way too hard again. i need to move on and get rid of what little hope i have left gone. the only thing that i can speed up the time line is to get hooked up with someone else. i dont want to do that cus i know that we wouldnt work out cus i still have feelings for grace. idk what to do. all i can do and have thought about this all day is to cut grace out of my life for a time until i feel its safe to let her back into my life. theres nothing else i can do. i talked to her yesterday and thats how all this started. she called me and we chated for a minute. after we hung up all i wanted to do was go see her. i know thats not a good idea. i cant handle seeing her right now. from just talking to her i want things to work out. i said i will watch her dog when she goes out of town. as my roommate pointed out to me yesterday...im not letting her chase me. im giveing her everything she wants without the case and no good can come of it. i know hes right now. thats another reason i need to stop talking to her and not see her for a long time.