Pain

I did a last ditch effert last night to see grace. It failed. I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm not functioning well today. My body is a mess. My mind is worse. Grace basicly told me last night to move on with my life. That we are done. She has to find the person she used to be. She had lost that person a long time ago and she needs to find herself again. Before she will see me/hang out be around me. I'm so lost as to what to do. Every moment of the day I'm thinking of her. I know I have to stop. She also said that once she knows what she wants she can see me. If that means to be with me or not. But as it stands now. Not looking good. I think she said I'm not the one but a min later said something that I maybe the one. I can tell she is confused and lost like me. The last month has been hard on me cus I tried to let her come to me to spend time and be affectionet. I had been feeling that I should feel or get some kind of affection back from her. There hasn't been much the whole relationship. Unless we were out of town. Things were great at those times. But once we got home she would change.

I'm feeling like crap right now. My body is hateing me. I can't eat. And a liquid diet isn't good. I'm crapping up have no strenth my heart is raseing a mile a minute and I'm tingeling all over. Plus I feel like I'm going to puke. So it's the end with grace. I'm not sure what to do now. I went from over the road to local job and I had someone to spend my time with. She doesn't think she gave back as much as I gave. Just spending time with her was giveing back. She's a very busy person. I don't know if that's to run from a problem or just who she is. Now I didn't go to a local job just for her. I know I may have said that in the past but I did it for me too. She has helped me in so meny was. It's going to be very hard to see her the next time. Whenever that maybe. Weeks months year. Idk. I am most likely still holding on to a glimmer of hope. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I know what ever she desides. With me or not. We will b friends. But the first time she has a new guy around I will have to mostlikely leave. I will cry.
Lost all train of thought. It's been like three days trying to post this. I don't know what else to put right now....